Upon reflecting over this year, it will be one that feels like it has both given and taken so much. While I have lately been sharing style posts, before the year is out I wanted to share this personal post with you.
It has been sometime now between personal posts on Inspiring Wit. The truth is, I have been finding them a little difficult to write without using words like ‘struggling’ over and over. The below is something that I drafted a few weeks ago but was not ready to finish. While I have hidden a little behind style posts, shopping how-to guides and the like, I am ready to open up again now. Let me explain…
DEALING WITH LOSS
I have been struggling over the past few months to work out how to write about the loss of my Nanna. It is something I have mentioned here, in passing, but kind of wanted to open up about more when I was ready.
Nothing can really prepare you for how it feels to lose someone you have always loved, always will, whom you can not imagine life without.
We’d had so many close calls over the years, where my family were told by doctors that we had to make our goodbyes, only to have my Nanna come through, the funny and cheeky woman that she was. So when, one Friday night, I prepared to have a phone call with her, only to be told it didn’t look like I’d be able to again and instead to book a flight home, I was shocked. Only that morning she had been up chatting with our family, doing well.
As I am right now, I’m still finding it pretty hard to face that she is gone.
Despite, at the time, feeling contented that I made it back home in time to have a few hours in her room to see her one last time. She managed to open her eyes and recognise that we were there with her, which made such a difference.
In the days that followed, I scanned so many images to create a slideshow to play at the funeral, looking over hundreds of photos, reflecting on her life. She was such a happy person, who had so much love to share. We all felt so honoured to have been part of her family. In writing a speech to say at the funeral service, so many happy memories flooded back to me. She was a lover of fashion (below, I am wearing one of her dresses), gardens and good food. She was elegant but down to earth, naive, funny and so very kind. And she loved hugs.
WHAT HAS HELPED ME
I wonder if sharing this with you all will maybe help, at least a little. It is obviously a good thing to know she is not suffering but since I do have a lot of quiet nights at home alone, I am often left with my thoughts. I know it will get easier with time, but there aren’t too many days that go by where I don’t find myself in tears. Though, daily yoga practice is certainly helping me with that.
All of this definitely has put a few things in my life into perspective.
Over the past months, I threw myself with sharp focus into my work, wanting to really try and generate progress with projects. The best news I have is that it has been working! To my delight, I have generated bigger and better projects that have ticked some really exciting boxes off of my work wishlist. I’d decided, rather than help build other businesses and step back from my own, instead I would put even more energy into my own and see what happened.
There is not a day that goes by that I am not so grateful for the support I have from you, reading this. So, in case I don’t say it enough, thank you.
THE NEXT STEPS
Losing my Nanna has also made me feel more isolated and further from my family and friends than ever.
In all honesty, I have been contemplating moving, but I am not quite sure yet on where I would like to end up. I know that I always wanted to live in Europe and that is something I still think about every day, though, now I don’t wish to make it a permanent move. In terms of another Australian city, my older friends all seem to be living all between Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and Tasmania (note, none in Perth!). So who knows?! Will I work on moving in the next year? Maybe. For now, until the right plan is in place, I am not quite ready.
The first image above was something I took when I went back home to Adelaide for my best friend Irene’s wedding last fortnight. It was so good to go back home and this time create new, happy memories. It had almost been a year since Irene and I had seen each other too. We had a wonderful time catching up and hanging out. As her Maid of Honour, I made a speech at the reception and found this one a lot easier to say than I’d found speaking at the funeral. I was so nervous, worried I would cry, but I did okay. In some ways that helped me feel stronger and more connected again after months of sadness.
Which brings me to the last few weeks of this year. The next steps are to get through my workload, enjoy the warmer weather and take a little break over the New Year. I am excited for all of the possibilities and more determined than ever.
Thank you all again for your support and understanding over the past few months. For baring with me, and even reading this clunky post, which to be honest I found so difficult to write, thank you.
I hope, when you are ever going through the grieving process, you will have such support and kindness in your own lives.